Starcrash 1978

Harri reviewed Starcrash (1978)

A Critic's Mount Everest

It is not often that a critic is left speechless after a film, or, in addition, for a film to have multiple scenes or lines that literally make one's jaw drop. The end credits went by fast, if you know what I mean.
And yet this is a rather catastrophic film, and was supposed to be, according to all the normal indications. One was to expect the whole range of stale space fantasy fiction clichés including gigantic "monster" robots, sword-wielding robots, police robots and a character robot; stop-motion effects, holographic images, time-fiddling, light-sabres, aliens with dyed faces, secret and "surprising" paranormal abilities, the word "hyperspace", the galactic empire with a lost heir, caveman, amazons, a mystic space monster; antagonists that favour terms like "evil" and "darkness" and will rather not endure a scene without megalomaniac laughter, maintain any veil of secrecy around their evil plans nor kill their enemies on the spot; smugglers as protagonists; a prison planet, a desert planet and an ice planet; iconic character names like "Stella Star"; apparently vacuumless space; and last but not least: lots and lots of laser.

There's so much everything - too much; a mountain too high. This is the film that a critic eagerly awaits for in order to gain an opportunity to use those very special words and expressions that are too strong, too expressive, to use in any normal reviews. Now, having seen it, I find myself disoriented and lacking the appropriate expressions. There are simply no words to describe the whole. "Incredible" seems to be the choice expression for the film's main characters as well.

There is cheesy dialogue, tasteless clothing and grooming, expressionless facial "expressions" or incredulously resourceful over-acting, unfathomable plot devices and a strange end monologue delivered with professional passion. What to think of all this? Clearly the film is poor, it must be, but it's entertaining at the same time.

John Barry composed beautiful and memorable music that actually manages to build some nice atmosphere along the way. The fact that the music was made to remind of Star Wars wasn't really a weakness at all.
The lead, Caroline Munro, apparently does her best and seems to have fun while at it, but eventually it's the wardrobe that delivers most of the substance in that role. David Hasselhoff also shows reasonable effort, yet few signs of actual acting talent.

A special recognition goes to Christopher Plummer who professionally carried out his corny role with devoted dignity and spoke out his often outrageously nonsensical lines with theatrical charisma. It really requires fortitude and character - and a very good poker face! Had he just had other notable actors with him in this enterprise - some veteran actors from Star Wars, for instance: Peter Cushing, Alec Guinness or James Earl Jones (think of what would have happened if Jones had used his "typecast" vernacular in Star Wars as does the black police robot "L" in Starcrash!)

Memorable quotes:

"My lord!
"Yes Elric."
"A floating ship is about to crash into us."
"What!? Zotar! Destroy the floating ship approaching us!"

"I wouldn't be emperor if I didn't have some powers in my command. Imperial battle ship! Halt the flow of time!"

"Stop! No-one can survive these deadly rays!"
"These deadly rays will be your death"

"But why didn't they finish us off?"
"This machine controls how long the attack will last - - Usually the amount of time is enough to drive most people insane. But we're not like most people."

"So you've seen to the future. All these years you never told me. Think of all the trouble I might have avoided."
"You would have tried to change the future, which is against the law. So therefore I can tell you nothing."

"So there's no question about it that this is the planet."
"This? That's incredible. I was here and didn't even realize it."
"There's no way you could."


To put it brief, this film is well worth watching for campy science fiction fans and all friends of bad cinema, which includes the present critic.